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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I have nothing!
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?