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First fart at my new job.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.