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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.