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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
I know u r but what am I ?
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.