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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem