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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.