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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"