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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.