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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.