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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...