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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.