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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.