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If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.