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Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook