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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.