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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.