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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Congratulations! You’ve just read this sentence.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.