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Which wine goes best with more wine?
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.