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I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
What about a To-Don`t List?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.