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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.