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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?