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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.