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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.