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You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure