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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`