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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.