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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.