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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Tieam... problem solved
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"