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I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.