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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list