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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
I have a black belt in leather
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/