Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!