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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
exercise........you mean extra fries
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.