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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.