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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.