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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.