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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol