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Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today