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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.