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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.