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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!