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Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
If you see me smiling in public it means Iām laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe