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Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol