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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.