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It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.