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Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
I always advise people never to give advice.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.