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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
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For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.