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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.