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I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.