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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.