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I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out