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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.