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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok