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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.