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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
The fox says you need to stop.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
heyy lol
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.