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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.