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About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.