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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.