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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.