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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.