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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!