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Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
I need a partner in wine.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.