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Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what Iām doing.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.