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Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.