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Will be drunk until further notice.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I grew up for this?
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.