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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.