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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.