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Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
My inner child is a drunken whore
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
“Knock him out.” – Mama
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.