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I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?