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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.