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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.