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Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.