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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing