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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I know u r but what am I ?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.