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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.