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I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Bacon...need I say more
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.