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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
The fox says you need to stop.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?