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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...