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Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!