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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.