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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
I always advise people never to give advice.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
Mondays are middle finger approved
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.