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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.