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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I just made you think of an elephant
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.